My Own Mental Motivation?

Why is it that I am only motivated to do better when things get low? Like when I lose a job all of a sudden I am motivated to a point of kicking ass in this screwed up world. I want to change the world when I'm out of work. Then again when I am working .. I tend to put it on the back burner. I'm kind of blending into the background of this world as it is right now. And I'm fifty and still trying to find my niche. I have gone from wanting to travel the world with a restaurant in tow. To being a real estate photographer or inspector. I find when it involves money to get me started. I back off. Money keeps me from doing anything in this world. I'm not saying you have to be rich. Well yes I am. We all pretty much know to make something out of nothing nowadays just doesn't happen. Remember when a man could take a brush and come to your door and earn a living? Yikes. Now that man has a website and has beat you to it.
I remember when my mind was young I had invention idea's coming out my arse and couldn't put any in to action for lack of knowledge and money. Now I can't remember half of my ideas. I remember wanting to start a company that fixed all that was wrong with today's gadgets. Someone else invented that company later.
My whole life I have wanted to write a book. I started several pretty good ones and one day 8 years later my computer crashed and I lost every bit of what I had written. Again my motivation was a puddle under my feet.
I don't even know how to make a blog work for me. Where I see millions do know how. I just use them to record my thoughts. And this time my computer won't lose them.
What's a 50 year old to do?
All I seem to do now is want that money to help me get something done. My dreams are falling by the wayside. Casted out with the umph of the thought of " oh go away I can't afford to do you anyways"
I live rural where I have very few friends. I live in the good ole boys of the south rule and it's true. And unless your kin or your a hoity toity fake bitch you will amount to nothing. They won't help you. They could care less about you. But you watch. There will come the day soon that I have the monies to make something of their town and I will take it elsewhere.
Moving to the south in 89 still hasn't given me what I would call residency according to them. And it was the biggest mistake I made in my life. I had so many more opportunities in California where I was born and raised. And I married a southerner so there is no hope to ever going back to the west coast.
I will make something soon. I think positive 89% of my day. But when you get let down after let down the percentage of positivity goes down with it. I need a boost. I need to know there's still hope. I need to make someone happy :).
ciao for now